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CadmiumRed
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Name: Michelle
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 5/25/1985
Gender: Female


Occupation: Student
Industry: Art


Message: message me
Website: visit my website


Member Since: 4/22/2004

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Monday, January 31, 2005

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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

*****CAMPING PLANS*****

 

Hey hey all

Giglz found a great camping spot for that trip we've been thinking of

Link

We're thinking that we should go at the end of June or early July, right after finals and such, but before summer school

Hopefully anyone trying to get a summer job (me....) will be able to convince their potential employers that school goes thru whichever dates we pick.  Or something like that.

So, whaddaya say?

Yes, no, maybe, not a chance in hell?


Monday, November 01, 2004

Damnit!

Why does everyone I like have to be so damn CHRISTIAN!

What happened to all the nice atheists and agnostics and apathetic Catholics?

Why does it seem like I can't even turn around without hitting a born-again?

I don't get it.

Since when did everyone become so religious?

And why does it seem to matter so much?

I mean, *I* wouldn't care if nobody else did!

But ever since that fuzz-headed idiot used THAT EXCUSE I've felt like I just shouldn't even try to get close to someone with a religious bent.

I guess I'm just afraid it'll happen again, or that they'll try to force me to convert or something.

"God told me to"

What the HELL kind of a LAME EXCUSE is that anyway?

Did he THINK that I would go "Oh, that's okay!  I understand.  If GOD says so, then of course it's the right thing to do!"

Or did he expect me to suddenly "see the light" and start going to church or something?

Bastard.

And my mom wonders why I don't make an effort to date.

I'm just afraid that that same STUPID EXCUSE will come up again.

And you know, I don't think that I would be so afraid if it wasn't for the fact that almost everyone else I know follows the same belief system.

Everyone's so religious these days.

It scares me.

Why is it so important?

Why does it matter?

Why do people feel that strange desire to believe in and worship a god?

I just don't see a point.

It's not like "god" does anything for me.

I don't know.

I guess I just don't have the necessary mindset to just believe in something like that.

I don't mind.  *I* don't think that I'm really missing out on anything.

I'm just a bit confused, is all.

Why does it matter?  And how come I now think it does, too?


Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Happy Birthday to Me!!!


Friday, May 14, 2004

It's times like this that I feel so inadequate.  Times like this that I just rip myself to shreds.  I hate this feeling.  This feeling that I'm just not good enough.  I'm never good enough.  Never.  I try to be confident, and just when I think that I've got it, right when I feel happiest with myself, it fails me.  I fail.  And then I'm back where I began, except it's worse.  It gets worse every time.  Because every time I fail is just when I feel most satisfied with myself and I have to think, I can't help it, I have to think that maybe I'm just not meant to succeed.  In anything.  I'm not meant to be happy for more than a certain amount of time.  I'm not meant to think that I can accomplish anything.  Because every time I think that I can, I don't.  I can't.  I fail.  I'm a failure.  At everything.  I've never been good at anything.  Not really.  I can fool myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm good at something.  But my bubble is always burst.  And it's always a result of my own shortcomings.  Because I didn't work hard enough.  I didn't smile enough.  I don't have enough experience.  I'm too timid.  I'm just...not good enough.  I don't see why I keep trying, why I think that maybe this time it'll be different, this time I'll succeed.  I'll get what I want.  I'll be happy.  For once.  I've never succeeded.  I've never been good enough.  I never have been.  I never will be.  And I always fool myself into thinking that now I am good enough.  That now I have what it takes to succeed.  That I'm just fine the way I am.  I hate this feeling.  This self loathing.  But I can't help it.  I can't avoid it.  Not for long, anyway.  It always finds a way in.  It always finds a new way to shatter my self confidence, my sense of self.  It always makes me feel so...empty.  This nothingness that just eats away at me.  It never matters how happy I am with my outside, with the way I look.  Because it's the inside that matters.  And I'm meaningless.  Empty.  A void.  I'm nothing.  I've always been nothing.  Always lacked substance.  Depth.  Self.  I hate this.



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